sentimental geek

monday, november 30th, 2009

it’s cold in here. I’m wearing yoga pants, slippers, a long sleeved shirt, a brown hoodie my mother bought me at old navy last week that was accidently purchased from the men’s section and my Mao hat. The ever present hat. When I wear one, which is always these days, I see my father. Dinner has been eaten (brocollini-cannelli-bean rigatoni concoction from last night with two pieces of sourdough bread and milk) and I’m thinking about tea, more for the fact that it will keep my hands warm rather than the liquid itself. It’s vanilla chai bought in a super Walmart in Myrtle Beach and smells like cinnamon filled pastry. I don’t really want to move, my back still aches from the 17 hour trek from Myrtle Beach to New Hampshire on Saturday and I’m having a hard time finding a comfortable reading position on my futon, which is a pretty futile effort, since it is a FUTON and I believe that means “Uncomfortable As A Bus Stop Bench” in Scandinavian. But it is useful for visiting friends and allegedly, more comfortable than the floor.I have decided on resting my feet mon my ottoman’s shiny plastic surface with a blanket tucked up to my waist. I swallowed two Aleve’s with the rest of my milk to help ward off the dull ache in my lower back that is echoing in my head and has been since 9 AM this morning. Nine days off made me relaxed and detached and having to jump back into work again with both feet is jarring for the mind. It’s rediculous to think that in that time I forget how to do things, but I found myself pausing throughout the day to ponder whether or not I knew what I was doing. As I know longer have cable, I spend most of time reading. I havn’t devoured books this way in a very long time. When I was younger, I read and read and read and read anything I could until computer games, TV and internet slowly drained my brain and I could sit and watch infomercials for hours without flinching. I watch movies through Netflix but mostly, I’ve been reading and listening to music. I can’t read I’m listening to music with words. My paying-attention mind listens to the words and my not-paying-attention brain lets my eyes scan the words on the page but doesn’t absorb anything. So I listen to low tempo electronica—The Field, Ulrich Schanuss, The Sight Below, Ellen Allen. I am trying to smoke and read at the same time, which is nearly impossible and I shouldn’t do it anyway, smoking in the house and smoking in general. I’m reading my third book set in Africa this month—‘The Poisonwood Bible’ by Barbara Kingsolver and the ‘No.1 Ladies Detective Agency’ by *Alexander McCall Smith being the previous and ‘Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight’ by Alexandra Fuller. It is kind of a coincidence, since I did not know that the McCall Smith or Fuller books would be delivered to me via my boss from his wife, tightly packed with many others in a plastic grocery bag. I think I was in a good spot to read the last two after Poisonwood, since it is entirely heartbreaking and beautiful and puts you in the “Africa Mood”, fully immersing and transporting you to the continent. Like you are traveling and the books are all sites to see. I probably feel this way because I have itchy feet and my passport hasn’t been stamped in two years. I’m wary of the purposeful reading of books, the systematic crossing off of themes or countries or authors. I’d rather go with what I pick up, am given, find, check out. I don’t want to read so many like-minded books that it ruins the previous books for me. Arlo is rubbing his head and jaw against the edg of the ottoman and watching me with big, yellow eyes. He is a chubby Tom, ginger colored with a long tail and a swaying belly, kitten-faced. He walks with his shoulders slung low, like a lion on the sahara, although that is where the similarities end. He’s never killed anything bigger than the moths that sneak through cat-caused holes in the window screens and doesn’t stalk anything deadlier than the little fake fur mice I buy him in fives from PetCo. He seems to be rebelling from my babying, choosing to sleep by himself on the futon, running in when my alarm goes off to yowl from the floor or to hope up on the bed and stare until I get up. Lily is a wily, wirey calico with fawn colored legwarmer stripes on my legs and the mind of a very intelligent kidnegartner. She can kick around a jingly ball like a soccer ball, pick it up in her mouth and deposit it at your feet or on your lap. She can open doors, climb anything and unravel rolls and rolls of toliet paper. She is nervous and hesitantly affectionate, giving herself over to a get belly rub or a snuggle only sometimes. She follows me everywhere and sleeps at my head at night after she has stalked and terrorized poor, far Arlo, knocked a tiny piece of dust around the kitchen floor and sharpened her claws on the table I got from the president of the company. It is time for tea, it is time for me.

'It has received no answer. Nor will it ever.'

beckie:

youarebonbon:

declasse:

For the last 12 years, a single solitary whale whose vocalizations match no known living species has been tracked across the Northeast Pacific. Its wanderings match no known migratory patterns of any living whale species. Its vocalizations have also subtly deepened over the years, indicating that the whale is maturing and ageing. And, during the entire 12 year span that it has been tracked, it has been calling out for contact from others of its own kind.

How To Get Sick:

psychotherapy:

1. Don’t pay attention to your body. Eat plenty of junk food, drink too much, smoke too much, take drugs, have lots of unsafe sex with lots of different partners – and above all, feel guilty about it. If you are over-stressed and tired, ignore it and keep pushing yourself

2. Think of your life as meaningless and of little value

3. Do things you don’t like and avoid doing what you really want. Follow everyone else’s opinion and advice. See yourself as miserable and “stuck”.

4. Be resentful and hypocritical, especially toward yourself

5. Fill your mind with dreadful pictures, and then obsess over them. Worry most, if not all, of the time.

6. Avoid deep, lasting, intimate relationships.

7. Blame other people for all your problems

8. Do not express feelings and views openly and honestly. Others won’t appreciate it. If at all possible, do not even know what you own feelings are.

9. Shun anything that resembles a sense of humor; life is no laughing matter.

10. Avoid making any changes that would bring you greater satisfaction and joy.

(Source: Peace, Love and Healing – Bernie Siegel, MD)